Dracula- The Series

Oh, the things I endure for you people. I've just suffered through eleven episodes of a little turd from the nineties called Dracula: The Series. There is always the temptation when reviewing bad vampire material to say that it sucks, so let me instead say that this show blows. But that's what I get for buying DVDs at the dollar store. They are there for a reason. The back of the DVD cover says "Dracula: The Series is family entertainment." That should have been my first warning. OK, my first warning should have been that it was in the dollar store. I take issue with the use of the word "entertainment." Anything vampire that's labeled "family" is most likely going to be bloodless and tame, which this certainly is. Oh, there are a few puncture holes and even some deaths which puts it half a notch up the gore scale from Mom's Got a Date with a Vampire, in which not even the vampire dies.

Now don't get me wrong. I don't begrudge the children some vampires they can watch without throwing up, having nightmares, or needing therapy. In fact, one of my favorite vampire books is Little Vampire's Diary. Get it if you can find it. It's downright charming. No, kiddie vampires are fine, but mature fans should be aware that Dracula: The Series will not be providing them with any thrills and/or chills. The real problem with this show, however, is the quality. It's just plain bad. "Meant for kids," is no excuse.

Where to start? How about the writing? In the first episode We are introduced to Max and Christopher Townsend (Jacob Tierney and Joe Roncetti. Their mother has brought them to stay with Uncle Gustav ( Bernard Behrens) and his ward Sophie Metternich (Mia Kirshner) somewhere in Europe while she is off on business. Max is supposed to be into vampires, and yet he's so stupid that he suspects his uncle Gustav Helsing- HELSING, DAMNIT!- is a vampire and seeks help from the local castle dwelling billionaire Alexander Lucard (Geordie Johnson.) That's right, Dracula is using his old trick of disguising his name by spelling it backwards. I think the first time he tried it was way back in 1943's Son of Dracula (or was that his son?) Oh sure, this time he left the "A" off, but then there's that first initial, so I guess it all comes out even. Although everyone quickly becomes aware that Lucard is Dracula, they continue to refer to him as Lucard most of the time throughout the series, which seems odd since it's Dracula: The Series and not Lucard: The Series. And then there is the general incompetence of our little band of slayers. Time and time again they have the opportunity to kill Dracula, but let him get away.

Let's move on to the acting, shall we? It's all pretty bad, but the worst has got to be Joe Roncetti. Jacob Tierney is young enough that I'm willing to cut him some slack, but Joe just stinks on ice. Mia Kirshner more recently was a recurring terrorist character on 24. She still sucks. The adults aren't much better. Bernard Behrens has many credits going back to the sixties, so I'm going to assume he's usually competent. Unfortunately some actors just aren't capable of rising above bad material. Behrens appears to be one of them. Johnson as Lucard/Dracula seems to be haveing a good time hamming it up. I'm glad he was, 'cause I wasn't having a good time watching him.

And here, perhaps is the worst part. If you are a fan of Forever Knight, brace yourself. Geraint Wyn Davies appears in a few episodes. I understand he was in more the second season. Oh, didn't I mention? This disc is labeled as Volume One. There's another whole disc of this crap somewhere. Anyway, poor Geraint stinks up the place as much as anyone else. He was actually in this before Forever Knight, so at least he was on the way up the vampire ladder.

So, I guess the point I'm trying to make is, don't watch Dracula: The Series. I did so that you wouldn't have to.

Now comes the really sad part. I learned when someone called for a letter writing campaign to save the WB show Birds of Prey that no matter how bad a show is, it's going to be somebodies favorite. Folks, I regret to inform you that there are websites devoted to Dracula: The Series. You heard me right, sites- plural- more than one. Here are a few if you feel the need.

• Dracula: The Series


• Lucard's Homepage


• Dracula: The Series Fanfiction(for the love of Bob!)