DRACULA 3000: INFINITE DARKNESS

I don’t even know where to start with this. Firstly, this is not a sequel to Drac…
No, firstly, do not watch this movie under any circumstances, ever, seriously, not even if you were in it.

Secondly, this is not a sequel to Dracula 2000, which was itself a pretty bad movie, but looks like genius next to this. Dracula: The Series looks like genius next to this. That Halloween special I saw as a kid where Judd Hirsch plays Dracula looks like genius next to Dracula 3000.

This steaming pile of crap “stars” the following-

Casper Van Dien - Capt. Abraham Van Helsing
Erika Eleniak - Aurora Ash
Coolio - 187 (Yes, Coolio)
Alexandra Kamp-Groeneveld - Mina Murry (as Alexandra Kamp)
Grant Swanby - Arthur "The Professor" Holmwood
Langley Kirkwood - Orlock
Tom 'Tiny' Lister Jr. - Humvee
Udo Kier - Capt. Varna

As you can see by the names, someone has at least read the cliff notes to Dracula. Other names from the novel show up like The Demeter, Carpathian, and Transylvania. There is also passing reference to Polidori’s The Vampyre and Le Fanu’s Carmilla and Nosferatu. None of that helps. In fact it only makes things worse. For some reason Dracula is traveling under the name Orlock and even though the would be hunters figure out that he’s Dracula, they keep calling him Orlock as if they are unaware that they are in a movie with Dracula in the title.

Captain Abraham Van Helsing commands the space ship Mother III… no.

I’m sorry. I can’t go on. I just can’t do it. This movie is so stupid. I just can’t spend any more time writing or thinking about it. You’re just going to have to take my word for it. It’s a bad bad movie. I'm not even going to put up an Amazon link. DO NOT WATCH IT! You’ve been warned.

Dracula 3000: Infinite Darkness gets one half of a bloody cross. It only gets that much because I’m afraid I may one day see something worse and I want to save the no crosses rating for that (God help me.) Remember folks, I watch this crap so you don’t have to.

P.S. Sci-Fi Channel showed this followed by Jason X. They are esentially THE SAME DAMN MOVIE! except that Jason X isn't nearly as bad. Oh, it's bad but but it's like mild-headache bad compared to the nail-through-the-forehead bad that is Dracula 3000: Infinite Darkness.