Field Guide to Vampires and Vampire Wannabe's.

The following was submited by DELANO.

Incredible as it may sound, during the course of their work, vampire hunters will likely encounter deluded human beings who will insist that they are undead. As satisfying as it may be to stake their pretentious asses, slaying these wannabe vampires often makes for an embarrassing coroner's report, and bad publicity for the guild. Thus, as a service to our members, we present the following guide for telling the true Nosferatu from the pretenders. Additionally, if the reader feels that he or she may be a vampire, please follow along and note in which category you fall.

Biological Activity

Real Vampire - None. They are magically animated corpses.

Human posing as a vampire - Full biological activity including respiration, circulation, eating and digestion, and sexual activity, (though the latter usually consists only of masturbating furiously to Anne Rice novels.)

Diet

Vampire – Blood Only

Poser - Occasional blood, supplemented by convenience store microwave burritos.

Fangs

Vampire - Extension of subject's teeth by yet poorly understood supernatural manifestation of the undead curse creating the creature.

Poser - Range from ceramic implants added by dentist, to those cheap plastic ones one finds around Halloween.

Habitat

Vampire- Either the vampire's immortality has allowed them to accumulate a massive fortune, and they live in a Gothic castle, a Victorian mansion, etc, or their bestial nature has overcome their desire for material comforts, and they live in sewers, abandoned ruins, etc.

Poser - Parent's basement, or group house of other slackers. The latter often leads to squabbles with vegan housemate over storing pig's blood next to tofu in shared refrigerator.

Supernatural Powers

Vampire - Can include any or all of the following: Flight, Invisibility, Invulnerability to normal weapons, Hypnosis, Transformation into a bat, wolf, rat, or cloud of mist, Superhuman Strength.

Poser - Superhuman Stench.

Behavior

Vampire - Avoids sunlight whenever possible. Spends daylight hours in coffin sleeping on dirt from homeland.

Poser - Avoids sunlight whenever possible. Spends daylight hours pretending to be a vampire in online roleplaying games.

Vulnerabilities

Vampire – Sunlight, garlic, roses, wooden stakes, iron spikes, crosses, holy water, church bells, holy items in general, and in some cases silver.

Poser – Reality, logic, sarcasm, and generally not taking them seriously. (Some have been know to show particular sensitivity to the term “vampire club.”)

Fashion

Vampire – Wears the latest styles and flesh colored makeup to blend in and avoid detection.

Poser – Anything from pseudo Victorian/Edwardian to Goth-punk to ren-fair garb. Favors blacks, reds, occasionally purples, and white puffy shirts. Pale makeup with black lipstick and eyeliner. Sticks out like a sore thumb.

Vengeance

Vampire - Rips one's throat out after subjecting victim and victim's friends and family to hideous torments. Have been known to place curses on families for generations.

Poser - Writes snarky blog postings.

Acknowledgement A.K.A. the Baudelaire test- (roughly translated from the French) “The greatest trick the Devil ever played was convincing the world that he doesn't exist.”

Vampire – It is not in the interest of real vampires to ever acknowledge that vampires exist.

Poser – Insists vampires are real and that they are one in spite of the fact that they do not meet any of the criteria for vampirism. Will even attempt to redefine the term “vampire” to include beings that are clearly not undead.

Remember dear hunters, the world is full of posers. They thrive on the internet and some have even found thier way to our little site.

And if you think you are a vampire, take a hard look at this list and then take a long look in the mirror. If you see a reflection then you, my friend, are a poser.