Someday...
Someday, I will once again see a good vampire movie. Deep in my heart, I do believe. But that day is not today. Recently I saw both BloodRayne and Underworld: Evolution on DVD. Both sucked.
Let's start with Underworld: Evolution.
Those who saw Underworld: No subtitle will not be surprised to find that once again director Len Wiseman has decided to film unrelentingly through a blue filter. Seriously, it just doesn't let up. It's fairly nice to look at in spite of all the blue. The camera work and effects are professional if uninspired.
We are still caught in the middle of the ongoing battle between Vampires and Werewolves (called Lycans in a vain attempt to sound cool.) This time the battle makes no sense. I don't understand anyone's goals or motivations. People seem to be acting against other's who might share the same goal or against their own goals. But I can't be sure because, as I said, I'm not quite sure why anyone is doing anything. Furthermore, no one has an actual personality only attitudes, all of them bad.
Kate Beckinsale looks good as always, but seems to be suffering from the delusion (based on what she says in the bonus materials) that she is in a good movie. I suppose it has something to do with being married to the director.
Bill Nighy appears as the Man Under Contractual Obligation and Sir Derek Jacobi is featured as the Actor Who Should Have Known Better.
Underworld: Evolution is a jumbled mess. I sincerely hope they don't decide to go for the hat trick. Not everything needs to be a trilogy. I give it 2 out of 5 bloody crosses.
Now on to BloodRayne.
BloodRayne is another steaming crapburger from Uwe Boll, who is making a career of churning out crapburgers based on video games. The DVD contains an interview with Boll in which he seems to acknowledge that his films are not so good, or at least that lots of other people think they suck. I'm not sure if that's good or bad. I hope it means that he will strive to improve his work, but it hasn't' happened yet.
BloodRayne stars many people as The Actor Who Should Have Known Better. Among them are-
Sir Ben Kingsley (that's right, another Knight of the Realm has been somehow tricked into doing one of these crappy vampire movies)
Michael Madsen
Billy Zane
and Meatloaf who apparently is now going as Meat Loaf Aday.
Michael Pare has a brief appearancee as The Actor Who Needs The Work. And Michelle Rodriguez stars as The Woman With No Bra. Oh, and some chipy called Kristinna Loken is BloodRayne.
Miss Loken may be a good actress. There is honestly no way to tell from this movie. I am, however, fairly certain that her breasts are real. It's that sort of movie.
The video game is set in World War II, which is cool as it means lots of Nazis getting killed by a hot vampire (sorry Dhampire) chick. The movie is a prequel set in a medieval Europe that seems populated almost entirely by Americans. Europe won't see this many Americans again until World War I. What this means is that BloodRayne's costume, which was out of place in the 1940's, is now ludicrously out of place in the middle ages. Have a look.
There's a fair amount of gore, which is decently done. The fights, however, are not good at all. The script and acting, of course, are also bad.
BloodRayne also gets 2 out of 5 bloody crosses.
Uwe Boll gets a kick to the crotch for sucking so much.
While we're here let me briefly say that the premier of Blade: The Series was ok, but it didn't fill me with a need to tune in every week to see what happens next. I'll give it 3 out of 5.
Let's start with Underworld: Evolution.
Those who saw Underworld: No subtitle will not be surprised to find that once again director Len Wiseman has decided to film unrelentingly through a blue filter. Seriously, it just doesn't let up. It's fairly nice to look at in spite of all the blue. The camera work and effects are professional if uninspired.
We are still caught in the middle of the ongoing battle between Vampires and Werewolves (called Lycans in a vain attempt to sound cool.) This time the battle makes no sense. I don't understand anyone's goals or motivations. People seem to be acting against other's who might share the same goal or against their own goals. But I can't be sure because, as I said, I'm not quite sure why anyone is doing anything. Furthermore, no one has an actual personality only attitudes, all of them bad.
Kate Beckinsale looks good as always, but seems to be suffering from the delusion (based on what she says in the bonus materials) that she is in a good movie. I suppose it has something to do with being married to the director.
Bill Nighy appears as the Man Under Contractual Obligation and Sir Derek Jacobi is featured as the Actor Who Should Have Known Better.
Underworld: Evolution is a jumbled mess. I sincerely hope they don't decide to go for the hat trick. Not everything needs to be a trilogy. I give it 2 out of 5 bloody crosses.
Now on to BloodRayne.
BloodRayne is another steaming crapburger from Uwe Boll, who is making a career of churning out crapburgers based on video games. The DVD contains an interview with Boll in which he seems to acknowledge that his films are not so good, or at least that lots of other people think they suck. I'm not sure if that's good or bad. I hope it means that he will strive to improve his work, but it hasn't' happened yet.
BloodRayne stars many people as The Actor Who Should Have Known Better. Among them are-
Sir Ben Kingsley (that's right, another Knight of the Realm has been somehow tricked into doing one of these crappy vampire movies)
Michael Madsen
Billy Zane
and Meatloaf who apparently is now going as Meat Loaf Aday.
Michael Pare has a brief appearancee as The Actor Who Needs The Work. And Michelle Rodriguez stars as The Woman With No Bra. Oh, and some chipy called Kristinna Loken is BloodRayne.
Miss Loken may be a good actress. There is honestly no way to tell from this movie. I am, however, fairly certain that her breasts are real. It's that sort of movie.
The video game is set in World War II, which is cool as it means lots of Nazis getting killed by a hot vampire (sorry Dhampire) chick. The movie is a prequel set in a medieval Europe that seems populated almost entirely by Americans. Europe won't see this many Americans again until World War I. What this means is that BloodRayne's costume, which was out of place in the 1940's, is now ludicrously out of place in the middle ages. Have a look.
There's a fair amount of gore, which is decently done. The fights, however, are not good at all. The script and acting, of course, are also bad.
BloodRayne also gets 2 out of 5 bloody crosses.
Uwe Boll gets a kick to the crotch for sucking so much.
While we're here let me briefly say that the premier of Blade: The Series was ok, but it didn't fill me with a need to tune in every week to see what happens next. I'll give it 3 out of 5.
posted by Dominic at 1:41 PM
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