Bloodrayne gone

Bloodrayne only played at out local theater for a week, so now I'll have to wait for the dollar movie. It was replaced by Brokeback Mountain. Where I currently live is not really a big market for gay cowboy movies, so I figure Bloodrayne must have been pretty bad if the management of the theater thought Brokeback Mountain would be a bigger draw.

ZOMBIE HUNTER

I've actually sold two items at the Zombie Hunter shop to people I don't personally know. Wow! You want something too, don't you? Come on. You know you do. Go on. Everybody's doing it. It'll make you popular.

I've just added mini-buttons. Miniiiii-buttooooooonnnnnsss.

Just click on the cafepress button below.

'Impaler' sinks his teeth into governor's race

The following is an excerpt from an article in the Star Tribune of Minnesota

Dane Smith, Star Tribune

Looking for something really, really different in a political candidate this year? Take a gander at Jonathon (The Impaler) Sharkey, who will launch his gubernatorial campaign in Princeton, Minn., on Friday the 13th as a "satanic dark priest" and the leader of the "Vampyres, Witches and Pagans Party." Since there's nothing but a $300 filing fee to stop anyone from running for statewide office, campaigns in Minnesota typically attract colorful and eccentric characters looking for attention. And of course, former Gov. Jesse Ventura broke the mold and got elected. But Minnesota may never have seen a more outside-the-box politician than the Impaler, also a former pro wrestler. For starters, he describes himself as a "sanguinary vampyre ... just like you see in the movies and TV, I sink my fangs into the neck of my donor (at this time in my life, it is my wife, Julie), and drink their blood," he said in an e-mail.

For the full article click HERE.

What a tool. I think you all already know the guild's position on sad posers like this. Jonathon "The Tool" Sharkey's website is http://www.jonathonforgovernor.us. There you can read about his policy proposals and his turn to the "dark side" in which he compares himself to Anakin Skywalker.

Bloodrayne - the movie

The Bloodrayne movie opened this week. The reviews are in and they are all bad. The average user review on Yahoo Movies was D+. Are we really suprized? Two words- Uwe Boll. That's german for Flaming Crapburger.

I was hoping to see it this week, but now I'm thinking I might wait for the dollar movie. Let's hope that Underworld Evolution, opening on the, 20th is better. Yeah, right.

The Batman Vs. Dracula

After just saying that maybe it's time to leave Dracula alone, I've come across a decent reiteration.

My Brother Delano and his wife Rachel gave me The Batman Vs. Dracula DVD with Figurines set for my birthday.



This feature length animated feature first premiered on The WB sometime around Halloween of 05 and is part of the current The Batman animated series. The series in general is well animated and has a style quite different from the 90's series.

The first thing that struck me about The Batman Vs. Dracula was the blood. That's right, this animated feature persumably intended for a young audience has the nerve to actually show some blood. We don't see very much of it coming directly out of people but in one scene the floor is literally covered with it.

I won't go into too much detail about the plot. I hate reviews that tell you the whole story. I'll just mention that the Penguin, the Joker, and Vicky Vale also appear in the story.

Dracula is a formidable foe for the Batman. The match up is natural concidering the shared bat motief and infact has happened before in the comics, most notibaly in Batman/Dracula: Red Rain.



The movie is well animated, has plenty of action, good voice acting, and the fright level is appropriate to the target audience. Adults should find plenty to enjoy as well. And the figures are cool too.

I give The Batman Vs. Dracula four out of five bloody crosses.

Field Guide to Vampires and Vampire Wannabe's.

The following was submited by DELANO.

Incredible as it may sound, during the course of their work, vampire hunters will likely encounter deluded human beings who will insist that they are undead. As satisfying as it may be to stake their pretentious asses, slaying these wannabe vampires often makes for an embarrassing coroner's report, and bad publicity for the guild. Thus, as a service to our members, we present the following guide for telling the true Nosferatu from the pretenders. Additionally, if the reader feels that he or she may be a vampire, please follow along and note in which category you fall.

Biological Activity

Real Vampire - None. They are magically animated corpses.

Human posing as a vampire - Full biological activity including respiration, circulation, eating and digestion, and sexual activity, (though the latter usually consists only of masturbating furiously to Anne Rice novels.)

Diet

Vampire – Blood Only

Poser - Occasional blood, supplemented by convenience store microwave burritos.

Fangs

Vampire - Extension of subject's teeth by yet poorly understood supernatural manifestation of the undead curse creating the creature.

Poser - Range from ceramic implants added by dentist, to those cheap plastic ones one finds around Halloween.

Habitat

Vampire- Either the vampire's immortality has allowed them to accumulate a massive fortune, and they live in a Gothic castle, a Victorian mansion, etc, or their bestial nature has overcome their desire for material comforts, and they live in sewers, abandoned ruins, etc.

Poser - Parent's basement, or group house of other slackers. The latter often leads to squabbles with vegan housemate over storing pig's blood next to tofu in shared refrigerator.

Supernatural Powers

Vampire - Can include any or all of the following: Flight, Invisibility, Invulnerability to normal weapons, Hypnosis, Transformation into a bat, wolf, rat, or cloud of mist, Superhuman Strength.

Poser - Superhuman Stench.

Behavior

Vampire - Avoids sunlight whenever possible. Spends daylight hours in coffin sleeping on dirt from homeland.

Poser - Avoids sunlight whenever possible. Spends daylight hours pretending to be a vampire in online roleplaying games.

Vulnerabilities

Vampire – Sunlight, garlic, roses, wooden stakes, iron spikes, crosses, holy water, church bells, holy items in general, and in some cases silver.

Poser – Reality, logic, sarcasm, and generally not taking them seriously. (Some have been know to show particular sensitivity to the term “vampire club.”)

Fashion

Vampire – Wears the latest styles and flesh colored makeup to blend in and avoid detection.

Poser – Anything from pseudo Victorian/Edwardian to Goth-punk to ren-fair garb. Favors blacks, reds, occasionally purples, and white puffy shirts. Pale makeup with black lipstick and eyeliner. Sticks out like a sore thumb.

Vengeance

Vampire - Rips one's throat out after subjecting victim and victim's friends and family to hideous torments. Have been known to place curses on families for generations.

Poser - Writes snarky blog postings.

Acknowledgement A.K.A. the Baudelaire test- (roughly translated from the French) “The greatest trick the Devil ever played was convincing the world that he doesn't exist.”

Vampire – It is not in the interest of real vampires to ever acknowledge that vampires exist.

Poser – Insists vampires are real and that they are one in spite of the fact that they do not meet any of the criteria for vampirism. Will even attempt to redefine the term “vampire” to include beings that are clearly not undead.

Remember dear hunters, the world is full of posers. They thrive on the internet and some have even found thier way to our little site.

And if you think you are a vampire, take a hard look at this list and then take a long look in the mirror. If you see a reflection then you, my friend, are a poser.

Dracula III: Legacy

I finally saw Dracula III: Legacy last night. I've been putting this one off for a long time since I didn't care for the last two in the series, Dracula 2000 and Dracula II: Ascension.

I really wish Wes Craven would stop "presenting" movies that he really didn't have anything to do with making.

This movie wasn't any better than the last two. Jason Scott Lee and Jason London from Dracula II: Ascension are back as Father Uffizi and Luke respectively. Diane Neal also returns as Elizabeth Blaine as if anyone cared. Poor Rutger Hauer is Dracula this time around. He hams it up in about the last ten or fifteen minutes of the picture. Rutgar, stop playing vampires. It was cute back in Buffy the Vampire Slayer, but after 'Salem's Lot and now this it's just getting sad. And what the hell happened to Roy Scheider's career? Why was he in Drac II and III?

Anyway, there's maybe one truly cool moment in the movie- a room full of female vampires feeding on each other. The rest of the movie is just a big pile of who-cares. In Dracula 2000 they tried to tell us that Dracula was really Judas Iscariot (the single stupidest idea I've ever seen in a vampire movie EVER!) Now they tell us that he's something older than that and that he's corrupted every religion in history going back to ancient Egypt. Then they never build on that which is probably for the best, 'cause it's stupid.

Perhaps it's time to just leave Dracula alone. Go read the book and leave it at that. Stoker killed him at the end and I think he meant for the Count to stay dead.

I give Dracula III: Legacy two out of five bloody crosses.