Night Stalker et al.

The new television season starts off with what seems to me an unprecedented glut of fanciful shows, i.e. shows with either a supernatural or science fiction premise. I really miss Hercules, Xena, Buffy, and Angel. So, I ought to be thrilled, right?

Here's the thing though. None of the new shows have impressed me. Most are just kind of lame. Let's see If I can name them all.

Ghost Whisperer
Invasion
Night Stalker
Surface
Supernatural
Threshold

Did I miss any?

I decided to give all the shows a chance. I 've seen them all once now, some twice. I'm not loving any of them, but I might give Invasion and Surface a few more weeks before I cut them lose.

The worst of the batch is Ghost Whisperer, and not just because it stars Jennifer Love Hewett as Melinda Gordon. I don't think Ghost Whisperer ever came right out and said "based on actual events," but it has that stench about it- a certain tone that indicates the writers and producers believe ghosts are real and people like Melinda Gordon can talk to them. The professional liar James Van Praagh is listed as Co-Executive Producer so I don't think I'm assuming too much about the beliefs/gullibility of those responsible for this pile of crap.

The most disappointing was Night Stalker. The original Night Stalker was a reportedly great influence on the X-Files. It now seems that the new Night Stalker has in turn been unfortunately influenced by the X-Files. If the first episode is any indication, Night Stalker is going to have an X-files like tendency to not explain things at the end of the episode. The new Kolchack (Stuart Townsend) is not going to be allowed to be the loner that Darren McGavin was. He's got a couple of annoying partners that are going to follow him around and bicker with him (Gabrielle Union as Perri Reed and Eric Jungmann as Jain McManus.) I don't like any of these characters. They are all unpleasant. Gabrielle Union is kind of hot, but not hot enough to make up for being unpleasant. I may not be the best judge of this, but the guys are not hot. They are goofy looking, so the ladies are out of luck in the eye candy department. But unlike Darren McGaven, the guys are not interesting either, which would make up for not being hot.

wooden acting, nonsensical plot, unexplained crap that will slowly unfold over the season but never really go anywhere... Just skip it.

The whole new season gets 2 out of 5 crosses.

Ghost Whisperer gets 1 out of 5 for insulting my intelligence.

HUNTER OF THE WEEK - CARL KOLCHAK

The new Nightstalker premiers tonight on ABC.So, what better time to honor the original? The hunter of the week for September 29, 2005 is Kolchack: The Night Stalker. Furthermore, Carl Kolchak is the second inductee into the Vampire Hunters’ Hall of Fame.

From Sci-Fi.com-

Stalking the Truth ... One Monster at a Time

Kolchak: The Night Stalker is the story of Carl Kolchak, an investigative reporter for the Independent News Service in Chicago. Kolchak has a first-rate knack for seeking out the truth, no matter how unlikely it might be. More often than not, the truth proves to be positively bizarre: Vampires, Indian spirits, werewolves, vengeful Greek goddesses, robots, reptiles and even space aliens often turn out to be the culprits he uncovers. More…

I'll be posting a review for the new show as soon as possible.

Zombie Hunter

I just stumbled onto this web comic. I haven't had the time to read it yet, but it looks right up our alley. I'll post a review as soon as possible.

DRACULA 3000: INFINITE DARKNESS

I don’t even know where to start with this. Firstly, this is not a sequel to Drac…
No, firstly, do not watch this movie under any circumstances, ever, seriously, not even if you were in it.

Secondly, this is not a sequel to Dracula 2000, which was itself a pretty bad movie, but looks like genius next to this. Dracula: The Series looks like genius next to this. That Halloween special I saw as a kid where Judd Hirsch plays Dracula looks like genius next to Dracula 3000.

This steaming pile of crap “stars” the following-

Casper Van Dien - Capt. Abraham Van Helsing
Erika Eleniak - Aurora Ash
Coolio - 187 (Yes, Coolio)
Alexandra Kamp-Groeneveld - Mina Murry (as Alexandra Kamp)
Grant Swanby - Arthur "The Professor" Holmwood
Langley Kirkwood - Orlock
Tom 'Tiny' Lister Jr. - Humvee
Udo Kier - Capt. Varna

As you can see by the names, someone has at least read the cliff notes to Dracula. Other names from the novel show up like The Demeter, Carpathian, and Transylvania. There is also passing reference to Polidori’s The Vampyre and Le Fanu’s Carmilla and Nosferatu. None of that helps. In fact it only makes things worse. For some reason Dracula is traveling under the name Orlock and even though the would be hunters figure out that he’s Dracula, they keep calling him Orlock as if they are unaware that they are in a movie with Dracula in the title.

Captain Abraham Van Helsing commands the space ship Mother III… no.

I’m sorry. I can’t go on. I just can’t do it. This movie is so stupid. I just can’t spend any more time writing or thinking about it. You’re just going to have to take my word for it. It’s a bad bad movie. I'm not even going to put up an Amazon link. DO NOT WATCH IT! You’ve been warned.

Dracula 3000: Infinite Darkness gets one half of a bloody cross. It only gets that much because I’m afraid I may one day see something worse and I want to save the no crosses rating for that (God help me.) Remember folks, I watch this crap so you don’t have to.

P.S. Sci-Fi Channel showed this followed by Jason X. They are esentially THE SAME DAMN MOVIE! except that Jason X isn't nearly as bad. Oh, it's bad but but it's like mild-headache bad compared to the nail-through-the-forehead bad that is Dracula 3000: Infinite Darkness.

HUNTER OF THE WEEK – SPENCER “DEUCE” WYATT

Deuce is one of the hunters whose adventures are chronicled in the Hunter: the Reckoning series of video games.

At the age of 14 Spencer killed his mother’s murderer, Cornelius Booth, and fled the town of Ashcroft. Returning years later at the head of a motorcycle gang, Spencer (now called Deuce) discovered that his mother’s murderer was apparently still alive. Following Cornelius to Ashcroft Penitentiary, Deuce witnessed the now infamous Ashcroft Penitentiary undead uprising, and together with three other hunters, fought off the undead and shut the prison down.

Deuce continues the struggle to this day, often reuniting with fellow hunters from the prison incident.

Dead Meat

According to the Internet Movie Database there are four movies entitled “Dead Meat.” The one I’m reviewing is the 2004 Irish zombie movie. That’s right, Irish. As far as I know this is the first and only zombie movie set in Ireland and apparently the first wholly Irish horror movie, it then seems a little odd that the leading lady is Spanish (the lovely Marian Araujo as Helena) but she does a good job, so who cares.

Marian Araujo plays Helena in Dead Meat.

It’s also the first time the zombie outbreak is caused by a mutated strain of mad cow disease. Yes, my friends that means exactly what you think it means… ZOMBIE COWS!!! True they are not RADIOACTIVE zombie cows like in the video game Destroy All Humans, but a non-radioactive zombie cow is still a zombie cow.

Helena and Martin (David Martin) are touring the Irish countryside listening to a radio news report of an outbreak of mad cow, when their car hits a guy in the middle of the road. They think they’ve killed him, but of course it turns out that he is both already dead and not dead. Martin is bitten and Helena is on her own, but soon teams up with Desmond the local grave digger (David Mullaert) who knows more than one way to use a shovel, a little girl, and a couple with a van.

The group tries to make its way to a nearby castle where authorities are supposed to evacuate uninfected residents. Along the way they encounter a zombie birthday party, a field of sleeping zombies, and a ZOMBIE COW!!! The ending seems to be trying for an irony that I’m not sure quite works, but getting to the ending is plenty of gory fun, so I’m letting it pass. Horror movies often play off of real life fears and concerns. I'm guessing from Dead Meat that the fear the food supply may be contaminated and that the government isn't doing anything about is prevelant in Ireland and the British isles.

You don’t need a huge budget to make a good zombie flick. Dead Meat has a very low budget and is a mighty fine zombie flick. Sure the makeup looks like crap, but it is shot well and acted well. Ok, there is this one guy who’s accent is so thick that you can’t understand him most of the time, but it’s ok. He’s probably not saying anything important anyway.

A variety of weapons are employed during the film including “The Club,” a vacuum cleaner, a shovel, high healed shoes, a screwdriver, some sort of Irish bat, and assorted twigs, sticks, and branches.

The only real negative aspect of the film is the closing credits music. It's got that 80s movie music stench about it and the lyrics are supernatural in tone while the movie is not.

Dead Meat gets 4 out of 5 crosses.

Director: Conor McMahon
Length: 80 minutes
MPAA Rating: R For strong pervasive violence/gore, and for language

DARKWATCH

I was finally able to play Darkwatch for PS2, so here at last is my review. In the interest of full disclosure I must say that I was on the Darkwatch online "street team" and I received a t-shirt for my efforts.

“Welcome to the Wild West, circa 1876.” Darkwatch is a first person shooter in which, “You are Jericho Cross, seasoned outlaw.” You are also kind of a dumb-ass, because while attempting to rob a train that you think is loaded with money or jewels, you accidentally let lose the oldest and most powerful vampire on earth, Lazarus Malkoth.

Lazarus was the Roman who founded the Darkwatch in 66 A.D. to battle the real reason Rome fell: Vampires. Lazarus was also a dumb-ass, because while trying to fight fire with fire, he got burned and was possessed by a demon thus becoming a vampire himself.

During your ill-fated train robbery attempt you team up with Darkwatch agent, Cassidy Sharp voiced by Jennifer Hale. Cassidy will help and instruct you throughout the game. Despite her help, you are quickly bitten by Lazarus. The game then becomes a race to Darkwatch HQ, where the watch can help get the curse under control before you succumb completely. Once you reach HQ and pass an initiation, you join the Darkwatch and go on a few missions for them. You also meet sexy agent, Tala voiced by Rose McGowan. At points in the game you have the choice of indulging your vampire nature or resisting it. Your choices determine what sort of vampiric powers become available to you, but apparently do not affect the final outcome of the game.

There’s only so much a developer can do with a first person shooter. It mostly comes down to the art design and general sense of style. I like the style of Darkwatch. It’s dark, steampunkish, and violent. The western/horror blend is reminiscent of the tabletop RPG Deadlands. The Darkwatch uniforms perhaps try a little too hard to be cool and Jericho seems to be competing with Vampire Hunter D for the Biggest Hat award, but on the whole the design is beautiful.

There are a few different types of undead to fight. Most are of the zombie variety, but there are also flying Banshees, acid-puking Oozers, and teleporting Vipers. Some of the zombies, known as Keggers, tote kegs of TNT. The Keggers strike me as rip-offs of the black powder toting trolls from the lord of the Rings games. On the other hand I really liked the design of the Banshees. They look like tattered purple flying old west hookers.

The game also has a decent variety of weapons, a few riding levels, a driving level, and an occasional turret to mow down enemies with.

The story mode is short, so I’d recommend renting it. There’s a few multiplayer options that could extend the length of your enjoyment, but I didn’t get the chance to play those.

I give Darkwatch 4 out of 5 bloody crosses.

Darkwatch is available for the PS2 and X-Box.
Publisher: Capcom
Developer: High Moon Studios
Rated M: Mature 17+ for violence, gore, and sexual content.

BLOODY MALLORY

How to describe Mallory? Let’s see, start with Buffy. Then imagine that she’s a little bit older, watches too much anime, and is French. That should give you a pretty good picture of the eponymous lead from Bloody Mallory, an odd little piece of fromage from France.

In the “making of” feature included on the DVD, director Julien Magnat uses the term “manga” more than once. He certainly succeeded in creating a live action film in the anime/manga style. Whether or not that’s a good thing depends on how appealing the idea of a live action French anime is to you. (I definitely recommend watching it in French with English subtitles, as the English dubbing is horrible.)

After a quite beautiful opening title sequence, the movie immediately decends into a world of unmitigated cheese and resolutely stays there. The manga influence is evident in the costumes (colorful hair and clothes,) stunts (speed lines at one point,) and plot (demons!!!) The red and black clad and haired Mallory (Olivia Bonamy) is the leader of a little group of monster hunters called Anti-Paranormal Commando. She is joined by explosives specialist, transvestite, and apparently American Vena Cava (Jeffrey Ribier,) mute child telepath Talking Tina (Thylda Barès,) and the Government Head of Commando Operations- Inspector Durant (Thierry Perkins-Lyautey.) They all travel around France in a pink hearse, fighting monsters for the government.

I won’t go into too much detail about the plot but it involves a kidnapped Pope,

His Holiness, Hieronymus I and Vena Cava (Laurent Spielvogel and Jeffrey Rinier)

a Revolution era vampire,

Lady Valentine, vampire (Valentina Vargas)

a fallen angel who wants to unleash all the captive fallen angels and wipe out humanity, an ass kicking priest, and lots of Power Rangers style creature make up and fighting.

Joss Whedon wouldn't hire us, so we moved to France.

Bloody Mallory is no great work of art, but it’s a fun bite of cheese if you have a taste for cheese. If you have any pretentious ideas about the superiority of French cinema, however, this should help wipe them out.

Bloody Mallory is rated R For violence/gore and language and runs 94 minutes.
I give it 3 out of 5 bloody crosses.

HUNTER OF THE WEEK - BLADE, THE VAMPIRE SLAYER

That's right. Blade was using the title "Vampire Slayer" long before Miss Summers came along. Is he a dhampire, the "Daywalker," or just a guy who's imune to vampire bites? It depends on what version of Blade you're talking about.

Blade first apeared in Marvel Comics' Tomb of Dracula #10.

Like many comic book characters, Blade has changed over the years, and like all comic book characters to make it to the big screen he did not survive the transition unscathed.

Wesley Snipes has played Blade in three feature films.

Whichever version it may be, Blade relentlessly kicks ass. He doesn't bother to stop and take names, however.

Don Markstein's Toonopedia™ has an exellent article on the history of Blade.

HUNTER OF THE WEEK - PROFESSOR ABRAHAM VAN HELSING

This week's Hunter is also our first inductee into the VAMPIRE HUNTER'S HALL OF FAME. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the one and only, the original...
PROFESSOR ABRAHAM VAN HELSING.

Edward Von Sloane as Van Helsing opposite Bela Lugosi as Count Dracula.

If you don't already know who the good professor is then you have no business at this site. Seriously, I'm not going to explain who he is. Weeelll.... ok. I guess everyone has to learn somewhere. Professor Van Helsing's exploits were first chronicled in Bram Stoker's novel. Dracula. Further adventures have been recorded by others over the years in books and film. The Professor though elderly was more than a match for even the most powerful vampires due to his great intellect and knowledge of the undead. Most of his career was focused on battling the seemingly indestructible Count Dracula, but he is known to have destroyed many lesser vampires.

Van Helsing has been portrayed in the movies by some of the world's finest actors including...

Peter Cushing

Lord Lawrence Olivier

Sir Anthony Hopkins


And of course
MEL BROOKS!


Many of the Professor's decedents have followed in his footsteps with varying degrees of success. Here are just two of them.

Robert Van Helsing


Ludwig “Big Kahuna” Van Helsingmiester
The Kahuna claims that Stoker shortened the family name in his book. We have been unable to confirm the truth of this statement, but frankly, Ludwig seems a bit off his nut.

Who is Gabriel Van Helsing?

No one knows what relation, if any, this man is to the Professor. He may not even be human. Perhaps he simply stole the name.

HUNTER OF THE WEEK - WESLEY WINDHAM-PRYCE

The transformation of Wesley Windham-Pryce from effete ineffectual twit to hard ruthless ass-kicker (as chronicled in the television series Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel) was truly astonishing to watch.

Windham-Pryce is an expert researcher and occultist. He’s also pretty good at sliting throats, bashing heads, and staking hearts. Or rather he was. Sadly, Wesley lost his life, and we lost a great soldier, in the fight against the darkness.

Rest in Peace, Wesley Windham-Pryce. You are the HUNTER OF THE WEEK!